Have you ever googled fancy hotels? Ever sat there in awe staring at their beautiful pools on your computer screen while sweating to death in a rundown internet cafe?

No?

Well, you definitely should, because there’s a way to get in there for free…

But first let me tell you how not to do it.

MISTAKE #1

GO THERE BY SCOOTER.

Everyone has a scooter in Bali. It is cheap and brings you to places quickly. The problem with sneaking into awesome hotels is that no-one there a) needs a cheap scooter and b) needs to be brought to places, because the place they’re staying is fabulous as fuck.

So going there by scooter and maybe even carrying a helmet will make you look suspicious. And this is not what you want to appear to be.

YOU want to be one of the residents walking in as if you owned the place. This means. NO Scooter, NO helmet. You just walk in there.

MISTAKE #2

YOUR TOWEL SHOWS.

Your towel is in your ROOM inside the HOTEL 😉 So no need to bring it from outside. Take a Sarong with you. They’re small and easy to pack. I know that especially Germans do love their towels, but nope. Not you. You do not need to wipe it in into peoples’ faces while entering hotels. As tempting as the fresh water looks like on the pictures, keep in mind that you are not visiting a public swimming pool!

MISTAKE #3

LOOK AROUND.

Nope. You do not want to do that. You know where you’re going and have been walking this path several times already. So focus on the road and do not get distracted. You know the place, no need to look around too much. It also makes you appear to be a bit nervous and since you are doing nothing that is illegal, you do not need to be. You know the hotel- you ARE the hotel.

Research on the Internet. Sometimes they do have a map that leads you to the pool. Study the hotels and recall the path.

MISTAKE #4

AVOID EYE CONTACT.

No, why would you do that? You have nothing to hide! Remember you ARE the hotel, you greet your people. Look them in the eyes and say hi when they meet yours. Then walk on as if it was the most normal thing in the world. They don’t know you? No problem, you’ve just arrived and you “LOVE it here! Work has been SO stressful recently, because your boss has made you work overnight shifts and …” BLAAAAAAH bore them with negative stories in case they should ask you questions and just do not stop talking. If this unrealistic situation should come up, they will be more than happy to leave you alone.

MISTAKE #4

LOOK THE SAME WHEN YOU LEAVE.

Nope. Just make sure they do not remember your face when you leave the hotel again. If you have long hair, tie it together when leaving. You might want to put on sunglasses when you get out, but not when you get in. And the most important thing: Change your clothes when leaving. So make sure to pack another shirt or just wear your Sarong as a dress, in case you’re a girl.

Alright. I guess you’re set! You’re ready to dive into the beautiful world of waterfalls and pools surrounded by rice fields. Think about the refreshing cold water that makes you dip into a free world of happiness. As a sneak-in newbie, start out with big hotels, they are easier to enter than resorts. Also helpful is to dress a bit like the people who get in and come out. Watch them for a day before you plan to get in.

And in case you get caught (as it happened to me on Bali), make sure to carry 2 Dollars, because this insane amount of money is what they charged me for not being reckless enough.

CHRONICLES IN WONDERLAND

5 Comments

  1. This is so funny! I once thought about going to Amandari Ubud, but I was too afraid to try it. We did go to one of the boutique hotel in Candidasa (forgot the name), but we bought lunch there. Maybe next time I go with girlfriends. Haha…

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