Do you need a job, but don’t have any qualifications? Do you want to get paid a little but actually do not want to work at all?

High Five! I guess you have come to the right place! Customer service in Brazil provides all of the above mentioned requirements. All you have to do is chill out and not give a fuck. But let me guide you through this step by step…

STEP #1 DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE.

Just don’t do it. Let it ring and wait and then let it ring even longer. Just chill out- if the person on the other line hangs up- who cares? You ARE the customer service and you don’t give a fuck. Anyways, THEY want something from you – not the other way around! Chill out- they will call again.

In case they call again. Stick to Rule #1.

STEP #2 ENJOY THE SILENCE

Yeah, it can get boring sometimes if you have nothing to do all day long. You’ve watched the latest episode of your favourite Brazilian soap opera and sang along with Arlindo Cruz five times already. Yup, you are allowed to take that phone call! But take your time- we are not in a rush here.

Anyways the people calling you have been through several robot voices already, typing in various numbers that have finally led them to your precious phone- they are used to wait. Take your time!

Then answer the phone with a REALLY long introduction about the company’s name, your name and everything else that comes into your mind and DO NOT LET ANYONE INTERRUPT YOU!

In case someone tries, just start your sentences from the beginning to then end your introduction with

“How can I help you?” … and then WAIT … just wait and do not say anything.

STEP #3 ANSWER EVERY QUESTION WITH ‘YES”

This is a tricky one, because people tend to get loud and shout at you. Especially foreigners are a bit difficult… keep in mind that it is YOUR job to teach them to not give a fuck.

If they don’t get it – NOT your problem. You tried to help here.

Just answer every open question with yes. Let me give you some examples:

CUSTOMER: “Hey there, I got an email that my flight has been changed. I’ve paid for it already and need to be home for Christmas. What do we do now?”

YOU: Yes.

CUSTOMER: Yes?

YOU: Yes.

CUSTOMER: “What the fuck! I’ve been on the phone for 1 hour. Are you FUCKING kidding me? You provided a service I paid for and now my flight is cancelled? … Fix this”

YOU: Yes.

STEP #4 DO NOT FIX IT

The example above tells you, it is a German calling. Well, in their country things just work out. They are not used to calling customer services and when they do- guess what: they actually help them out really quick. Such idiots! No-one has ever told them it is way better to not give a shit about anything.

Anyways, this is how you deal with them:

Foreigner tend to freak out a lot. It’s not that you can’t use ‘yes’ as an answer anymore, but just add another sentence for a bit and say:

“I understand. I am here to help you.”

This is a good one!! Because it calms down the customer and indicates you would actually be willing to help out. Note that it is important to stop talking at that point. The customer will repeat what he has said before and you can continue watching your soap opera.

Damn those soap operas are good aren’t they?!

CUSTOMER: “Blah Blah Blah …. flight cancelled … blah blah …”

YOU: “I understand I am here to help you.”

So far so good. But the next step is essential: You pretend to help them but actually follow Rule #5.

STEP #5 KEEP THEM WAITING

Yeah. They’ve been there, they should know how it works to by now. This is your time to shine!

This is your time to dig deep into Brazilian soap operas. You have about twenty minutes to enjoy your life. Teach that damn customer how to enjoy their time by having them stick onto their phones whilst forcing them to relax when they can’t do anything at all. Steal them some time of their lives!!

Keep in mind: THIS is your job! And you are good at it!

So, just relax and do … nothing.

There’s just one problem. Most companies in Brazil do not have some soothing music they can play in the background, which means you have to get some headphones whilst watching your favourite soap opera again. To indicate that you are still there, just type in random words on your keyboard.

The sound of typing makes YOU sound busy. How weird! This actually calms foreigners down. They are actually soothed by the thought you are busy helping them. Weird people we have on this planet, huh?!

STEP #6 “SOLVE” THE PROBLEM

Alright. Twenty minutes are up. You need more people to assist their anger and impatience. Let the first one go. Tell him you’ve arranged everything but you need to wait for the airline’s confirmation that the flight will go through. Announce that this can take up to 4 days and that they will receive an email.

Do NOT explain to them why they had to wait for 20 minutes. Just hang up and then go on to the last step:

STEP #7 WRITE AN EMAIL

Last one. I know it’s been hard work, but we can do this! Write an email telling them they have to call the customer service for any support, because the problem could not be fixed.

Then continue to watch your favourite soap opera and laugh your ass off.

CHRONICLES IN WONDERLAND

3 Comments

  1. Hahaha, your´s was far funnier than mine. I have been trying to cancel Oi for the last 2 months and they keep calling asking why I want to cancel. Then they say they will “pass the request” and never cancel. My only option is to not pay for the bill and get my name on Serasa. No problems there. Don´t need Casas Bahia furniture anyway.
    Loved your blog, by the way.

    • Hahaha thanks! 🙂 yeah this system steals us SO much time!! Think I will never get to it here, but I am starting to get less angry. That’s something at least 😀

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